It’s your birthday. I can cry if I want to

So…today is your birthday and I have a lot of sadness because of the things you did and said to me.

I’m moving past them one day at a time but sometimes when I’m by myself I can’t help but get sad. I think about all the things I wanted for my life and how this was definitely not on the list. Sometimes I wonder why do I have to be the one to go through this…then I look around and realize that everyone is going through something.

So I gladly put on my big girl pants and accept this trial that God has given me. I have been thoroughly blessed through this awful situation. I realized that I have an amazing family, loving friends, and an ever-present friend in Jesus. They were all there when you broke my heart and shattered the dreams I had of our life together. They were all there when you verbally and emotionally abused me time after time. There were all there when I was left pregnant and alone while you did whatever you wanted. Most of all, they are all still here while you are long gone. I thank God for those relationships. I thank God for strength. And I thank God for life.

It sucks that you treated me like this when I cared so much for you but I firmly believe God has something better in store for me and I’m trying to get myself in position to receive it. I wish you the best.

Happy birthday.

Its probably over. The fat lady is singing

During this week I have felt the entire range of emotions.  I have gone from feeling exceptionally low to feeling pure bliss.  I have been spending an exorbitant amount of time with my family and I am loving every minute of it.  They are always right by my side whenever I need or want them.  God could not have blessed me with a greater support system.

Therefore, I feel extremely selfish when I find myself desiring more.  I have all the love anyone could ask for.  How could I have room for more?  How dare I ask God to repair my seriously failing relationship with my unborn child’s father?  Why can I even think of praying that my fiancé will one day show me the love that he once did prior to me getting pregnant?  Why do I find myself constantly trying to make my fiancé happy when he could obviously care less about me?  How did I get myself into this loveless mess?

I find myself asking these questions often, but I still have yet to find an answer.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that karma is very real.  However, there are days when I find it difficult to be happy about the unforeseen change that my life has taken.  I guess God is trying to teach me a lesson of some sort.  I am trying desperately to learn it, but my heart hurts daily.  I deal with my fiancé’s meanness, not simply because he’s the father of my child, but because I love him dearly and want to feel some sort of love from him.  Any kind.

He will call just to say he loves me and then blow up at me in the next breath.  I say that I am tired of being treated so poorly and inconsistently, but am I?  If I were, I’m sure that I would leave right?  The problem is that I do feel that I am fed up with him and I know that I deserve to be treated better.  However, just when I feel that way and act accordingly, he treats me better…for about a day and then goes back to being unnecessarily mean.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  I just wish to find a good end to this bad situation.

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Beautiful, but unexpected pregnancy

A few months ago, I discovered that I am pregnant. My first instict was to panic. I’m supposed to be the responsible one in the family. Regrettably, I have even judged others for getting pregnant at a young age. Granted I have a college degree and am engaged to the father of my child, but the fact that I feel the need to justify my situation raises other problems.

Thankfully, my family was extremely supportive. They convinced me that I could raise a child properly and that everything would be ok. Now, at 5 months pregnant, I still have days where I am doubtful, but I am happy. Happy to be a mother. Happy to learn. Happy to grow. Happy to mature. I’ve accepted my responsibility and am thankful for it. On days when I want to give up and break down, I remember that I have a life growing inside of me and that all of my choices affect him (its a boy!!!).

I am so excited! Sorry for the judgement young moms. I’ve definitely learned the error of my ways. Pregnancy is not easy.

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I Think I Got My Answer

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Since my last post, I’ve been mulling over which career choice would best suit my personality.  I even went so far as to take online quizzes to direct me into my destined career.  My personal favorite quiz was at doccartoon.bogspot.com.  All of the questions and answer choices were quite entertaining.  Upon completion of this quiz, I discovered that maybe becoming a doctor wasn’t the best fit for me.  The actual response I was given stated something along the lines of

“maybe you should consider another career, you’re keeping a seat in a medical school class from someone who wants it more than you”.  

This caused me to think.  I know it was just a silly quiz meant more for humor than career direction, but I couldn’t help but think that this quiz had a point.  I’ve shadowed a couple of doctors, spent some time with a Physician’s Assistant, and worked alongside many nurses.  From these experiences I know that I absolutely love being in an environment with nurses.  The nurses I work with are so sweet and friendly.  They are great with their patients; they know them by first name and they know their story by heart.  After doing research and spending time with my nurses, I have discovered that I want to go down the nursing path to become a nurse practitioner and see where it leads me.  First obstacle, finish the prerequisites and take the GRE!

Got my diploma…now what?

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about my future.  Which career should I choose?  Is it socially acceptable to alter the plans I’ve had for myself since the beginning of time?  Am I making the right decisions?  I have yet to come to a conclusion on any of these questions so I thought creating a blog might be a good way for me to get my ideas in order.

I have been on the path to medical school for years now.  At one point, I was so immersed in this plan that being a physician was the only profession in which I could envision myself.  However, now that I have completed undergrad and unsuccessfully (due to lack of sufficient research and intellectual maturity) I am doubting if this is even what I want anymore.  I’ve found myself still very attracted to the field of medicine.  I just question if I could be happier in another profession.  Perhaps as a nurse practitioner instead.  Very similar, yet very different.

My feelings are also complicated by my long-term boyfriend.  He recently commissioned as a second Lieutenant in the United States Army.  We plan to get married soon.  Throughout our relationship, I’ve seen my priorities shift.  In the beginning, I was very career oriented.  I knew I was going to be a physician.  I knew I was not going to get married, nor was I having children.  (Ah…to be young and naive.)  Now I see everything differently.  I want to marry and make a family with him.  He keeps telling me that he will take care of me (spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially) and that he wants me to follow him around the country and raise our future children.  I don’t mind doing either, but am I giving up or just maturing?